Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
