I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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