I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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