Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
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