at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
