Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize