the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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