I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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