dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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