listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think my moral compass just broke
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
