He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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