I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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