He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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