I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
