Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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