my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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