when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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