I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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