I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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