I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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