I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
