I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
