My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
