I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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