We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
