Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
