I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
