My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
