Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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