Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
