Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
