This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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