if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Never joke about your clitoris.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
