oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i just had sex bonerless
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
