If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
