I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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