The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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