I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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