I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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