I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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