I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize