You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
