Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
