Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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