The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize