He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
My vagina is very pro this idea
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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