I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
