I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You can't just leave with hair like that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
