im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
