why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
