I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
