New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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