Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
