Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
