She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
