I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
