i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
