Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
