My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I touched a dick in church today
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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