The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
